BIG Deal About SMALL Talk

   he first is that 75% of the respondees, people whom I considered to be great conversationalists, still thought of themselves as SHY. I was shocked. Several of my surveyed admitted to working through shyness but still feeling so uncomfortable. Could have fooled me! In fact, they did. They worked through it sooooo well that I found them to be exemplary at conversation.

The second result was not surprising as much as it was confirming. NOT ONE of my identified great chatters put down "small talk". To a one, they saw it as a way of getting to know people, put them at ease and find common ground.

Not to sound Socratic, but my deduction is clear--- "therefore, only crappy conversationalists denigrate small talk."

Think about it. Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone who had no interest in the "little things" that start, move and expand our verbal exchanges? I think not. To say it more clearly---- which I did in What Do I Say Next? --- only those who aren't good at small talk make light of it and, in fact, put it down. The bluffery and buffoonery around small talk is that it "isn't important, it's phony, boring". Maybe what these denizens and denigrators are really saying is, "I DON"T CARE A WHIT ABOUT YOU."

I am not the first person to have written about the subject of small talk, conversation or schmooze and I won't be the last because we are uncomfortable talking to people we don't know. In fact, many of us are even caught off-guard at the thought of having longer conversations with people we do know. With the input of friends, colleagues and generous strangers, in a chapter in What Do I Say Next?, I identified the CONVERSATION KILLERS, twenty-two behaviors that annoy the hell out of us and stop our verbal exchanges. My killers have been quoted, attributed and sometimes just "borrowed". A few of the most annoying are: The Braggart, The One Upper, The Interrupter, The Brain Bully, The Corrections Officers (sometimes known as the grammar police) and the Kvetchers who constantly complain.

Here is food for thought from someone who has been writing, teaching and 'talking' about the art of conversation --and has been a conversationalist--- since first grade. By the way, that's when I started getting red checks on my report cards for "socially chatting" with my classmates!

Have your own introduction prepared in your head so you aren't tongue tied when you meet someone at a party, conference or event.

Read the paper either off-line or on-line so you know what's going on in your community, our country and the world.

DO NOT follow the advice of 'small talk' experts who say, "Just ask people questions because people love to talk about themselves." IF all you do is ask questions, you bring nothing to the banquet and people will think you are prying, probing busybody.

LISTEN to what people say instead of planning your next line. They are telling you what they want to talk about and you can take a hint and build MEANINGFUL conversation that is a duo-logue.

Start small; establish a connection and you will organically build to the bigger topics.

Ask questions, but be aware that some experts suggest questions that are inappropriate, contrived and cheesy. IF the question doesn't feel right to you, it isn't.

Share stories that relate to the interests of others because people connect with our stories; not the factoids, features or sales pitches.

Say something that relates to the common moment, the venue or event: the food, the theme, the parking or traffic, the host.

Remember, most people are nice and would welcome your pleasant conversation.

At the recent Mill Valley Film Festival, I attended two receptions by myself. It could have been daunting but how could I miss an opportunity to attend an event with Felicity Huffman and one for Donald Sutherland? I've been a fan of Ms. Huffman's since Sports Night and Donald Sutherland is one of the Twelve Angry Men who was in the original MASH movie and now on Commander in Chief. Both actors were most receptive to talking to their 'fans' and utterly charming. There was plenty for me to talk about with the "strangers" in the room: the movie, the actor honoree, the other movies we had seen or planning to see, the food and, of course, the parking in downtown Mill Valley.

Both events were great. I talked to both actors, met new people; saw some familiar faces, eavesdropped (a trait of those who appeared in How To Create Your Own Luck) on a fun conversation to learn that Life of Pi is being filmed in West Marin and that led to another lovely conversation. And because ironic humor is everywhere, I cracked up seeing that gourmet mini potato pancakes were served with slices of pork! That contributed to really small--even mini-- moments of mingling and humor.

I'm glad I attended and did listen to my mother who used to admonish (pre-internet), "Go out, you'll never meet anyone sitting at home!" To build small talk, big talk and new friendships and business...you may benefit from listening to my Mother, too!

Susan RoAne leads a double life as a bestselling author and a sought-after professional keynote speaker. Known as The Mingling Maven®, she gives her multi-generational audiences the required tools, techniques and strategies they need to connect and communicate in today's global business world. Her practical, informative

Success is a state of mind. Our tangible achievements, goals reached, certificates earned, or talents developed are the result of our thoughts. And if thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to habits, and our habits are what determine our eventual character and destiny - would this logic not suggest that in order to accomplish big things https://igettalk.com/, we must first develop the ability to think big? And yet, thinking big is not enough. We also need to think differently, talk big, believe more, act big, act now, and act consistently in order to become great and accomplish our goals and dreams in life.

It is important to remember though that thinking big is not the same as dreaming big; in fact, I would argue that they are quite different. Everyone has big dreams - and these dreams are no more than merely hopes and wishes. The ability to think big, however, requires a different state of mind, mental discipline and re-programming, and actually thinking differently than the majority of the mediocre individuals we are constantly surrounded by. Thinking big entails action, changing our perspective, overcoming the voices of fear and doubt, believing in ourselves and our dreams, developing the ability to not worry what others say or think, and establishing goals and a plan that will result in big actions that reflect our big thinking.

Perhaps one of the greatest examples of changing our perspective, re-programming our minds, and thinking big and differently is demonstrated in one's ability to get out of the typical employee mindset. This unfortunate mindset is not only detrimental to one's potential, but it is so commonly accepted that it has become cultural. It is made evident in actions and mentalities such as: doing just enough work to keep your job, only doing work that falls under your responsibilities, thinking of your own schedule and needs rather than the company's or customers, getting excited about pay-raises and promotions, thinking that working for 40+ years for a meager retirement is somehow desirable, and believing that resumes and GPA's and job titles are what determine your abilities and potential.

Thinking big and thinking differently, in regards to getting out of the typical employee mindset, would entail doing more than asked or required, setting lofty goals and working hard to achieve them, becoming a producer and never trading time for money, not believing that grades or standardized test scores or institutions attended dictate your career potential, and realizing that this employee mindset carries over into every aspect of life and is thus the leading reason as to why people so often fail to accomplish their goals, dreams, and become successful in life. Those individuals who continue in this unfortunate mentality develop a dependency upon a boss or company for their career advancement, daily survival, and personal and social approval; and because of this, they fail to develop the necessary attributes for success in anything - which are: thinking big, developing self-confidence, desiring success, believing in themselves and in their dreams, taking risks and overcoming fears, learning from failures, and being willing to be different and do whatever is required to obtain success.

This employee mentality is but one example and situation as to how we can think differently and think big; the reality is that the same principles apply to any circumstance, situation, challenge, goal or dream. Never forget, however, that just because these principles are applicable to any setting or goal we have - we still need to apply the principles! Thus, thinking big is a futile endeavor unless followed by action. To become and accomplish more entails not only a change in mentality but also a change in habits.

Decide now to always think big. Establish lofty goals and specific plans to achieve and realize your dreams. Develop the ability to think differently. Never fall victim to the dominant culture of contentedness and the ease of mediocrity. Train your mind to never worry what others think or say, and learn how to eliminate the voices of fear and doubt. Commit now to doing whatever necessary - as hard and long as it may be, and despite the failures that inevitably result - in order to accomplish your goals and dreams. And always remember that in order to accomplish big things, you must always think big, talk big, and act big!